Couples go through highs and lows in their relationships. Sometimes it can even feel as if you’re looking at a stranger, unsure of how to act or what to ask. After our baby arrived, especially our second, we struggled to rekindle emotional intimacy we once had and struggled with bonding during hard times. Here’s a list of questions for couples to reconnect from funny light hearted questions to build a friendship back to deep conversation starters for emotional intimacy that worked for us!
Why You Should Ask These Questions: The Importance of Reconnection
Whether you've been together for 10 months or 10 years, you know relationships ebb and flow.
Reconnecting with your spouse or partner keeps the friendships AND spark alive. It builds emotional intimacy, maintains the relationship, and provides a foundation for navigating hard times.
Stressors of life take over and huge changes occur in our lives that can push us towards isolation, depression, or anxiety. It can feel hard to connect with our partner, let alone ourselves at times.
Prioritizing deep bonding conversations with a partner can be exactly what you need to keep a strong foundation during hard times that sustains for decades. It lays the framework for safety in your life; and if you have kids, it models a good relationship for them.
A strong and connected relationship can help you overcome feelings of loneliness, anger, anxiety, or sadness. It can help you feel joy and excitement for the future, and gratitude for the present.
To use these questions isn't some sort of “failure,” but rather a practice of personal growth and self care your future self will thank you for.
How To Use The Questions For Couples Looking To Reconnect:
This post is pretty lengthy with something for everyone. I suggest finding the section most applicable to you, then either printing it out or copying it into the notes section of your phone for quick reference.
Jump to bonding questions: Deep Conversation Starters For Physical + Emotional Intimacy | Addressing Challenges In The Relationship | Planning the Future | Building Romance | Silly Questions For Couples to Reconnect
You can use these questions by:
- Picking a question a day to answer – do this in the shower together, during pillow talk, while making coffee to kick off the day, whenever! If you’re indecisive, print them out and put them in a jar to pull one at a time!
- Have the list ready for a road trip
- Play “20 Questions” with them!
When asking the questions DO:
- Be present
- Be supportive
- Take responsibility for your feelings and actions
- Have fun!
When asking the questions do NOT:
- Get defensive or blaming the other
- Get distracted by insignificant details or grasping for any random thing to avoid the conversation at hand
- Assume! Ask clarifying questions to really understand instead
Questions For Building Emotional Intimacy
These deep conversation starters can help build back emotional intimacy in a relationship:
- What are your core values, and how can we ensure they are honored in our relationship?
- What dreams have you tucked away?
- Do you ever wish I could read your mind? IF so, when?
- How has our love morphed since this little one's arrival (or some other time period that was a big shift)?
- Are there facets of my support that you crave more of?
- In what moments do you feel most connected to me now? Knowing when our souls touch gives me a road map to our togetherness.
- Do you ever dream about me?
- What memory of us pre-stressor do you cherish and want to rekindle?
- When was the last time you thought about me in a positive way?
- How can I help you feel seen and cherished?
- What are your greatest fears, and how can I support you in facing them?
- Can you share a significant childhood experience that has shaped who you are today?
- What does feeling “heard” mean to you, and how can I better listen and understand you?
- How do you feel safe in relationships? Are there ways we can create more of a safe space for vulnerability in our relationship?
- How do you cope with stress? How can I best support you during challenging times?
- What are your dreams and aspirations, and how can we work towards them together?
- Are there aspects of your past that you feel have been unresolved? How can we address them as a couple?
- How do you experience love, and are there specific actions or words that make you feel most loved?
- Will you share a moment you felt truly seen and understood? What do you think it was about that moment?
- What does forgiveness mean to you and look like?
- How can we resolve conflict that feels complete and fulfilling?
- How do you define happiness, and what can we do to create a fulfilling life together?
- Are there unmet needs or desires in our relationship that you would like to discuss? Keeping in mind we are on the same team, and not trying to change one another into an entirely different person.
- Which of our kids are most like you? Alternative: Do you ever picture having kids?
- What is your favorite thing that I do for you?
- What’s your favorite non-sex activity that we do together?
- What are your thoughts on the concept of personal growth? How can we support each other's journeys?
- Did you like high school or college better? Why?
- What was the very first thing you thought about me?
- What is something I could do to make you trust me even more?
- Which significant other, before me, had the biggest impact on you and why?
- What makes me different from the other people you’ve been with?
- How can we maintain a sense of independence and individuality while building a life together?
- Can you share a moment of deep joy in your life? What do you think it was about that moment? How can we bring that to our present day?
- What's the most (happy/anxious/angry/etc) you ever felt? Why?
- How do you handle disappointment? How can we navigate it as a couple?
- When we are with family or friends, do I make you feel like you’re still my priority?
- What role does gratitude play in your daily life? How can we express appreciation for each other?
- If you got sick, do you think I would be there to care for you?
- Do you believe in God? If so, where does it fit into our life?
- How do you envision our future together? What are your hopes and dreams for our relationship?
- What does intimacy mean to you? How can we continue to deepen our emotional connection after baby?
- Which of your parents are you most like?
- As a child, did you trust both of your parents?
- What did you learn about marriage and intimacy from your parents?
- Which of your parents did you go to when you wanted to talk?
- Which of your parents did you go to when you wanted to talk? Both as a child and now. What changed, if anything?
- What's your favorite memory with each of your parents?
Close things off with a pledge: to make our intimacy a sanctuary in the chaos.
Through these inquiries, we weave a tapestry of understanding, each thread a testament to our enduring affection.
Keeping the Romance Alive
Weaving romance into the tapestry of new parenthood or a busy schedule might seem daunting, but holding onto that spark—it's nothing short of magical.
In the quiet whispers of night, dare to ask:
- How do you define romance?
- What are your expectations for romantic gestures?
- Do you like kissing or hugging more?
- What is your favorite memory of us? Can we recreate this in some way?
- What is your favorite sexual position?
- Where do you crave being touched?
- What was your favorite date night we ever had?
- What’s my best physical feature?
- In what small ways can I show you love that resonates deeply with you?
- When did you know you wanted to be monogamous with me?
- What’s your love language?
- What is your favorite sexual fantasy?
- When did you know you wanted to kiss me?
- What moment in our relationship/life did you feel the most loved?
- When did you first think I was attractive?
- What do you find most attractive about me?
- What’s your favorite physical feature of your own?
- How has our love grown since the baby's arrival?
- Do you ever think about me sexually during the day?
- What did you think after your first sexual experience?
- What song captures the essence of our journey together? Can we play these during chaotic moments to anchor us in love?
- What small gestures or surprises make you feel loved and appreciated?
- What are your fantasies or dreams that we can work towards together?
- Do you ever get jealous if you see me talking to other attractive people?
- Is there something new you want to try to keep the spark alive in our physical intimacy and connection?
- What’s your favorite time of day to be intimate?
- What romantic rituals or traditions would you like to establish in our relationship?
- How can we maintain a sense of adventure and excitement in our relationship? Even if it’s just asking ourselves each day “how can I do this?” for 30 days and seeing what happens!
- What activities or hobbies can we explore together to reignite our shared interests?
- Are there specific ways you'd like to be pampered or spoiled? How can we make that happen?
- What are your thoughts on planning romantic getaways or date nights?
- How can we keep communication open and honest about our desires and needs in the relationship? Is there something you’re not saying?
- What is your favorite sexual memory of us?
- What are your favorite love songs, movies, or books, and how can we incorporate them into our relationship?
- What compliments or affirmations mean the most to you, and how can we express them regularly?
- How can we celebrate special occasions or milestones in a way that feels meaningful for both of us?
- What food reminds you of me?
- What do you like most that I do in bed?
- What role does laughter play in our relationship, and how can we infuse more humor into our daily lives?
- How can we create a romantic atmosphere in our home, even in the midst of daily responsibilities? Candles? Music? Lights?
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Addressing Relationship Challenges
All relationships go through challenges. It’s how you work through those that ultimately matters most. From parenting stress to work stress, recognizing where you’re at, peeling back layers of misunderstanding or frustration becomes a quiet necessity.
- Do you believe that I love you?
- What haven’t we said out loud that might be building walls?
- How do our individual expectations differ, and where do they align?
- What do you think we need to work on the most in our relationship?
- Could we name one thing each that we feel we've lost in our transition to parenthood, and brainstorm ways to reclaim it, even if in a new form?
- How has the shift in our intimacy affected us personally and as a couple, if at all?
- Where do I need to view you more as a teammate to let go of unwarranted resentments?
- Do you have any deal-breakers, things that would make you seriously reconsider our relationship?
- How can I take ownership of my feelings without blaming or scapegoating them onto others?
- Is there a support I’m craving, but too afraid to ask for?
Tackling tough questions can be daunting. Yet, broaching this topic sparks a crucial conversation that ensures neither of us feels alone in our journey through the postpartum landscape.
As partners, it’s critical to remember we’re on the same team. Our learned instinct may be to blame or resent our partner as a way to not look at unhappiness within ourselves or the situation at hand. Instead of blaming one another, look to come together in acceptance and love for the current situation and build a solution together.
After all, nurturing our connection is about the we, not the I.
Planning for the Future Together
Have we taken a moment lately to dream about the future, to carve out our own narrative alongside the pitter-patter of tiny feet? Let's ask ourselves:
- What destinations do we yearn to explore with our expanded family or solo?
- What traditions do we envision passing down?
- Are there newfound passions we wish to pursue?
- Any skills we're motivated to acquire now that we're guiding a new soul?
- What professional aspirations do we want to chase?
- How can we support each other in balancing personal development with parenting?
- What’s another career that you think you would love?
- How do we define success for our family?
- What milestones are we aiming to celebrate within the next decade?
- At what age do you want to retire together?
- How much money should we be setting aside for our dream lifestyle and timeline we’ve mapped out above? Anything we need to cut out?
- What do you want to do when you retire?
- Do you ever picture having grandchildren?
- What new adventures do you dream of for our little family?
Reflecting on the whispers of ambition between work deadlines, bedtime stories or daily routines is essential.
After all, our journey through life and parenthood is not just about nurturing our child but nurturing our shared story with every small step and grand leap into the future as it’s a roadmap for our child to follow in their own life.
Funny Questions For Couples To Reconnect:
Break up the deep conversations with these silly questions to help you reconnect as a couple! After all, laughter is the best medicine at bringing people together:
- If you could have any animal as a sidekick, which one would you choose and why?
- If you won $1,000,000 what would you do with it?
- What's your go-to dance move when no one is watching? Can you show me?
- If we were superheroes, what would our superhero names be, and what powers would we have?
- If our love story were a genre, would it be a romantic comedy, a fantasy, or a sci-fi adventure?
- If our love was a movie/book/song what would the title be?
- If you could live anywhere and do anything in the world, what would your life look like?
- If you could only eat and drink one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
- Money isn’t an issue: describe your dream _____ (house, vacation, life etc.)?
- What’s your secret pleasure?
- Which would you like most: a summer house, a year-long vacation, or a boat?
- What is your most embarrassing moment as a child that you can laugh at now?
- What’s a recurring nightmare from your childhood you can still remember?
- What's the weirdest food combination you've ever tried and secretly enjoyed?
- If you could swap lives with any fictional character for a day, who would it be and why?
- Who is your celebrity crush and why?
- What's your favorite dad joke or cheesy pickup line? Share it with me!
- If you could have any fictional creature as a pet, what would it be, and what would you name it?
- What’s at the top of your bucket list?
- If we had to survive a zombie apocalypse, what three items would you grab first?
- If you could have a conversation with any inanimate object, which one would it be, and what would you ask it?
- If you could change your name, what would it be?
- What's your signature funny face, and can you make it right now?
- If you could go back in time, what age would you be again?
- If we were characters in a cartoon, what catchphrase would we be known for?
- If you could have a superpower related to any household chore, what would it be?
- What's the most ridiculous thing you've ever done to impress someone?
- If your house was on fire, what would you save (no living things!)?
- If you could have dinner with anyone – living or dead, real or fictional – who would it be and why?
- If our love story were a song, what genre would it be, and what would the title be?
- If we were characters in a video game, what would be our mission or quest?
- What fictional world would you choose to live in for a month, and what would you do there?
- If someone left you $1,000 what would you do with it? $10,000? $100,000?
- If we were to start a band together, what would our band name be, and who would play what instrument?
- If you could have any historical figure as a quirky best friend, who would it be?
- What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever eaten? What’d you think of it?
- What's the most outrageous conspiracy theory you can come up with right now?
- What’s your favorite _____ (movie, tv show, book, song, concert, memory, snack, TV character, part of the day, etc.)?
Customizing Questions for Your Unique Relationship
Tailoring questions to fit our unique love story can transform a simple conversation into a powerful tool for growth. I believe every couple has their secret language, peppered with inside jokes and shared experiences that no one else gets.
Use those precious bits to mold the bonding questions for couples, making each one a bridge to deeper understanding. For instance, if we cherish a memory of a day spent at the beach, I might ask, “How can we infuse our daily lives with the peace we felt by the sea?”
It's worth noting that in the whirlwind of parenting and life, the essence of who we were as a couple before baby or new stressors can feel distant. This of course can be customized to highly stressful times at work or the loss of a loved one.
Despite life’s challenges, let's dig into our favorite memories to shape questions that resonate with our past selves, ensuring we honor the foundation of what brought us together.
Perhaps start with, “Remember the dreams we shared on our second date? How do they align with the life we're building now?”
Ultimately, it's not just about asking questions but also about how they're crafted and delivered. Infuse them with love and curiosity rather than obligation, and watch as our postpartum relationship flourishes, nurtured by a renewed sense of partnership shaped by our own unique love language.
Finding Time Together: Maintaining Dialogue
Modern society places constant demands on our attention regardless of kids or work. It’s more important than ever to carve out fully present and engaged time with our partners.
Consistency helps create safety for maintaining an open dialogue.
Personally, I like to choose one topic to talk with my husband at night about and then set aside a longer time to chat once a month.
During that longer chat – maybe a date night or after the kids are asleep – we choose a few of the deep bonding questions for couples on this list and are sure to break things up with some of the funny questions for couples to reconnect too so it’s not super heady the whole time.
We always do the following to close things out:
Reflections and Shared Dreams
At the end of each of our deeper conversation starter sessions, we reflect on what brought us joy, our shared dreams, solutions we’re putting into place for any of the hard times we addressed, and give the other props for how they showed up or grew a little in the conversation.
If you’re going through a rough season in your relationship, know you aren’t alone. These questions for couples to reconnect have been used thousands of times (both in my relationship and others!).
Feel free to tweak them, personalize them, and refer to them whenever you need. What matters most is that you both still care and are looking to connect again.