Since I was pregnant with my daughter, I've always written her letters. Mostly about what I'm experiencing, whether it's physical symptoms, recaps on family drama, or where I'm at emotionally. I know, why would you write letters to your daughter about that stuff? Well it's two fold: partly for myself, as a reminder to not become that as I grow older and she becomes the adult child in the relationship and as a place to release the energy instead of on her and partly for her, so she has the information if she wants it. Growing up in a strained family environment, I think I would've liked to have read letters about where my mom was at when she made some of the decisions she made. Partly so I could empathize with her, and partly so I'd have a better understanding of the things I'm healing in our ancestral line.
This is A Letter To My Daughter On Her First Birthday that I wrote in the days leading up to it
Oh my sweet little Moon child. Your birthday is in just a few days. I remember how much I just prayed for you at this point last year. Given we were first told you would arrive around the 9th and people were constantly saying you could come early and be a Christmas baby… then the second due date was 15th, and then I got a feeling it’d be the 21st… It was a month of waiting.
Which I was okay with initially – we were buying a house around 39 weeks pregnant afterall.
But I remember the weekend before you were born, this weekend last year, and beginning to wonder if you’d ever come out. I just wanted to hold you and meet you… but also realized we were in the final days of holding each other like this too and trying to soak those in.
The day you were born, I was in denial that you were coming. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to feel let down with another passing day. Since the day you arrived, I’ve loved you. This perfect little pink baby that looked like an angel had kissed every inch of you. I think I was in shock… you came so fast and I couldn't believe you were here… but also it felt as if you were always in my life.
[RELATED] Our Unmedicated Birth Story At Hospital
The nurses in the hospital were even continually surprised that you were my first. The confidence I handled you with and felt around you have always been there. That doesn’t mean I’m the perfect mom or anything like that – I don’t want you to read this if/when you choose to have kids of your own and wonder why it didn’t come as natural. It’s just to say that we were bonded in a bigger way than I think anyone could have anticipated. Intuitives had told me you were my freedom baby while I was pregnant, and have since told me that we are a soulmate connection, not a karmic one… maybe that it’s it? Either way, I'm so grateful for it.
I think confidence also comes from two things:
- Having taken care of babies for so many years and
- Knowing that you chose me to be your mom. Knowing you chose me to be your mom has allowed me to push aside any feelings of doubt, insecurity or mom guilt as it comes up; because I trust that you are having the exact experience you signed up for.
In time, I know I’ll fall short in your eyes in ways. I know I make mistakes and will continue too… that’s only human. I think each generation heals a little bit more than the last. So I know when you’re mad or disappointed in me, it’s all part of the healing process we signed up for together.
There will be mountains for you to move and climb. You'll hurt at times too… after all, life is messy. You know, when people asked me why I wanted to be a parent, I always said, “so I can enjoy a first row seat to someone’s evolution,” and you’ve given me that gift. It's inspiring to watch your determination. You generate so much hope and love in just existing. That's the gift of a child… a reminder of who we all are at our core. An opportunity for more acceptance, more courage, and more love.
My role as your mother
I’m not here to own you; I’m here to encourage you. To teach you to trust yourself, to love yourself, to accept yourself. You know who you are. It’s my job to help you never forget that as everyone else pushes their agendas onto you.
I don’t even think I’m here to guide you or help you grow, you innately know how to do that.
Heck, I even remember this first year when everyone said you had to burp a baby; only you’d throw up everytime I’d try. Eventually I realized you knew how to burp on your own and I needed to just give you space to do so.
Same goes for rolling, eating, crawling and walking, you knew what to do, I just needed to get out of the way and let you do it. I know that pattern will continue into all areas of your life, and I’m just grateful to witness it. Seriously, the pride on your face when you master a new skill, is priceless. I wish I could bottle it up for everyone. Or at least get a photo/video but you always want to grab the camera when I try to hit record.
My perception of your so far…
So far, my perception of you is that you are wise beyond your years. You watch and study how and what people are doing, then go off and try to do it on your own. Your a quick study who gets frustrated by your own physical limits at times. It’s like you want to run, but you can only walk. You don’t like that – the “can’t” of it all. In fact, you can be a little impatient at times… which I get… so can I. You’re wildly independent; but my heart melts when you look back to make sure I’m still there, whether I’m 10 ft away or your 60 ft away in the yard. I’ll always be there baby girl.
Your ability to understand things is out of this world. You seem to get what I’m saying all of the time – and actively choose to ignore my requests at times. Seriously, when I tell people you’re walking, you smile with pride; when I ask you about your birthday, you start to clap. I don’t know how you understand the big things, when you refuse to point at colors or shapes, but you seem too. It’s like the kids stuff is trivial to you? Always more ready to dance to TikTok songs than nursery rhymes.
You’re silly too. You love to dance. One of your favorite things though is to fall backwards. You do it in bed every day from varying heights. You think it’s the funniest thing in the world to throw your head back and just free fall. I love to tickle your chest when you land. Anything to hear those baby giggles. While you’re a very happy baby, I wouldn’t say you easily laugh, so when you do it’s the best.
One of my favorite things you do is sucking on my nose… although it’s been a couple of months and you did just get your first two teeth in the same week… and I’m pretty sure the top two are coming in too. It’s okay though, as you stopped sucking on my nose, you started giving me real hugs which I love all the same. You nuzzle your little head onto my chest, shoulder, and belly and I want to lay like that forever… granted 10 seconds later you are usually off to the next thing.
In your first year you have….
- Flown on an airplane across the country
- Been to Disneyland. Read my thoughts on First Time To Disneyland: What I Wish I Knew As A Disney World Veteran With A Baby
- Visited the Pacific and the Atlantic ocean within the same 24 hours!!
- Went to Disney World! Click here for my Hour-By-Hour Baby Schedule: Disney World With A 9 Month Old
- Attended your first Hanson Concert (only for a couple of songs though, I was nervous about your ears!)
- Visited the west coast of Florida
- Flipped upside down in your stroller in the middle of the road and had no care
- Made it through your first FL hurricane
- Had a little mini cold
- Started walking
- Have 3 teeth popping through
The hardest part of this year…
The hardest part of this first year has been your skin stuff. We thought it was eczema at first and some sort of allergy. However I had us work with a medical intuitive who thinks you’re just having a rash from helping heal the collective… of course you are. You’re literally the most generous and caring baby I’ve ever met. You constantly are offering your food and things to others; giving a smile to someone in the room who needs it; and try to be gentle around dogs and babies.
Even so, I wish I knew more about the rash and how to help. You don’t respond to any of the eczema treatments and you don’t itch from it, so I tend to believe the medical intuitive more than the doctors on this one. I just pray you grow out of it. I hate having to put this steroid and antibiotic cream on you during flare ups.
@theconfusedmillennial2019 😍#tiktoktraditions #meetmyfam #tiktokmom #over30 #tiktokbaby #monthchallenge #babychallange♬ The Months of the Year – The Kiboomers
On motherhood and parenting…
It’s funny, while my life has changed so much in becoming a mother, it hasn’t at the same time. I struggled with feeling a loss of who I am, but at that same moment, a remembrance of who I am. Before I thought I’d be publishing a book and going on a national tour in the next couple of years; now I just want to stay home and watch you grow. Time moves so quickly and being with you is one of the greatest joys. It’s like every cliche about being a mom has come true for me… which is funny because I was SO afraid of losing myself. I think part of the reason every cliche has come so true for me is because of your dad though.
He and I both get to be home with you all day. My business was not set up for a baby and has needed a lot of my attention this first year as I continue regular responsibilities and transition it to becoming more self sustaining. Your dad has stepped in like a superhero and makes us both breakfast everyday, takes care of you until your first nap so I can work. If you wake up early from that nap, he hangs out with you until I wrap things up and feed you. Then he makes us lunch while I play with you. We eat together as a family and then sometimes play together, sometimes run errands, and other times I’m back to work while he hangs out until I feed you again and put you down for your next nap.
After your second nap, he hangs out with you until I finish working and come and feed you again. Then I cook dinner and you either play by yourself or whine to help. If you whine, he holds you so you can watch me cook. We eat and I play with you some more before bath and bedtime stuff. He is so hands on and wanting to learn and improve.
He has held space for us both when you just whine and whine and I can’t listen to it (you aren't the only one who gets impatient). Or in the early days when you’d cry and cry from being overtired and I needed a moment alone because it physically pained me to see you like that he would just hold you and walk up and down the stairs singing. He is the most selfless and caring man I’ve ever met and you chose soooo well in having him as your dad.
It's not all rainbows and butterflies, but it is too…
I wanted to share that because I know every parenting experience is different. I don’t want you to think this year has been the easiest year in the world and feel bad or compare yourself if your experience (if you choose to have it), is different. We really operate as a team in this house which has made it easier. I did want to share how easy it’s been though because I think too often we hear the negative side of parenting (sleepless nights, isolation, anxiety, etc.) and while I’ve struggled with those at times too… I remind myself they are temporary and then shift my focus to the good.
When your dad and I were going through a particularly tough time the other month we started saying one good thing that happened that day during dinner time. At first it was hard, but with each passing day it became easier. It’s those mindset shifts that have allowed us to look at parenting as a lot easier than most people on the internet make it sound. Afterall, complaining begets complaining.
So if you do choose to have kids and it feels like a struggle, just know, we struggled too. But those moments were fleeting because we’d shift our focus. During those times, something beautiful always happened that gave us a second wind and that’s what I’ve chosen to remember and hold onto.
Anyway, I love you so much my little Moon child. You light up our sky and remind us that we all go through phases.
WATCH our vlog of the days leading up to Little Moon's arrival!!